In my home, my shield of bones, I am broken in two.

I found myself today. I was thinking about my habits, how I lack the social confidence and the ability to make small talk. How I'm so quiet in groups becasue I don't know what to say on account of not wanting to say the wrong thing.. I thought I was just boring so I decided to google search "I am boring" to see if I could find tips on spicing up on aura. I came across this website where people ask questions about their social habits and supposedly real psychologists answer them. The question I read was very similar to the way that I behave as well, how the guy doesn't want to draw attention to himself and this was the answer he got:

If we say someone is boring, how do we describe that? In social settings, when our interaction with others is overly cautious about what we say and do, when we have reduced emotional response and spontaneity, when we think too much rather than talk, and when our interaction with the group is lethargic (low energy) — we are generally considered boring. On the other end of the scale are people who are “hyper”, talkative, emotionally overexpressive, and irritating. From a clinical standpoint, what often causes being boring?

From your description, is sounds like you may be introverted or socially shy. Individuals who are introverted and shy often lack good social confidence and social skills. They are self-conscious in the company of others and are always monitoring their owncomments and reactions rather than those around them. They are fearful of social embarassment and hesitant to laugh, joke or even express emotions.

In conversations with others, they want you to pay attention to what they are saying and thinking. They don’t want you to be worried about what you are saying and thinking while talking to them. If you do, you are considered “boring” or uninteresting. If we video-record an introverted/shy person talking to others, they are so self-conscious and thinking so hard that a friendly expression (smiles, grins, eye-contact, etc.) is absent from their face. This is why they look bored — there’s little or no response to what those around them are doing or saying. They’re too busy thinking!

Introversion and shyness are not a psychiatric disorder unless accompanied by significant levels of anxiety or distress — then it’s considered Social Phobia. It doesn’t sound like you’ve reached that point. I would recommend researching introversion, shyness, and improving social skills on the Internet. There are hundreds of websites that offer tips on overcoming shyness. You can also conduct some self-treatment by experimenting and rehearsing your social skills. Practice “small talk” — that idle chatter people use on elevators, grocery store lines, standing around the office coffee pot, etc. Observe people using “small talk” and you’ll find that most of the conversation has very little important content. Introverted folks are worried about saying something important while most “small talk” and social interaction is lots of verbal chatter with very little important information.

-Dr. Joseph M. Carver, PhD

I mean, I guess it's nothing I didn't already know.. but it's still lame. It's not like I want to be all introverted, I want to be outgoing but I honestly just don't ever know what to say. Fuuuuuck.

Cross My Heart - The Senate

I'm a rockstar.

It's me! I posted this on youtube, probably a bad idea. So don't look it up.

I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish and sad, and now I've gone and lost the best baby I ever had

My ukulele repertoire is expanding. I can now play 3 cool songs, as well as the hundreds of campfire songs that my family knows. The tricky part is going back and forth between the chord sets that my family uses and the one that the rest of the world uses. Why can't we just be normal? For example; the strings on the ukulele typically tune to G C E A where as we tune to A D F# B. But what can ya do? I can handle it, I just wanted to complain a little bit. I am all ready to be learning new music these past few months and I find out that I have to learn a whole new set and disregard the one I learned when I was 6. But anyway, I can play Whistle for the Choir, Drop Baby Drop, and Your Ex-Lover is dead. It may be time for a youtube channel. Except.. I can't sing, haha. Oh well. You should look for me out there. But not yet, because.. there's nothing to find.

Christmas is getting closer every minute. I can't believe it's a matter of days now instead of weeks or months. It always sneaks up on me. I haven't even started my shopping yet, let alone thought much about it. But I haven't had much money to spend either.. I will think of something, people will get gifts they just might not get to the people by Christmas. I hope that's okay.

River by Joni Mitchell

I love you like a mango, 'cause we can make it everyday

Well sheesh, I go a week posting twice - sometimes more- a week, and then I go and do a thing like neglect my blog for a whole week. I really suck. I guess I'll give you an update:

Work has been pretty good, mostly just consistent, which is how it should be I suppose. Last night was really slow unfortunately so it was a lot of just standing around.

I'm reading "His Dark Materials" trilogy again for the first time since 8th grade. I forgot how fabulous the books are, and there's so many people that you just love. Lee Scoresby, Iorek Byrnison, Will, Ma Costa, and some I can't even remember right now. I know there's the two little fairy type people who lead them around in the Amber Spyglass, and I like them. Haha. I'll tell you their names when I get there, but right now I am still on the Golden Compass.

I don't like Dolly Parton, for whatever kind of legend she use to be, she's never struck a chord with me. I like some of her songs, but not when she sings them herself, like "I Will Always Love You" and "Joleen." That came out of nowhere, but.. it's how I feel.

Maybe blogging right now is not such a good idea, I'm not thinking of anything clever to write, I used up all my energy already. I think I ought to go warm up my coffee or something. It's cold and the morning is still young.

Song: Drop Baby Drop by Kapena

If you're crazy, I don't care, you amaze me.

Sorry about being a Negative Nancy last night, I'm over it. I taught myself that Fratellis song, Whistle for the Choir, on the ukulele and I've been playing it all day. It's pretty fun :) The only problem is I can't whistle.. So that part I just go "doo doo doo" instead, but I don't think that's how it was originally intended to go.

I'm going to a symphonic band concert tonight in Bellingham. It's such a long drive up there, but.. I don't know, I will tell you later if it was worth it or not. I also think I'm not going to go to the Daft Punk laser lights show tomorrow night. I really wanted to, but the only person from the group that I actually know bailed because it's his uncles birthday, and they are European so apparently they party all night. At least he let me know though so I didn't go and feel like the odd one out. It's okay though, it makes my life less complicated because now I don't have to find someone to cover for me at work tomorrow night.

I know I'm technically done with school, but I still have one more paper to write. My teacher, since he's a doll, extended the deadline for me because there is absolutely no way I could have gotten it in on time. It's a 9 page paper on anything theater related. I thought it was going to be a pain in the ass to write, but you'd be surprised at how breezy it is to write when you outline your essay first. Before I began writing it I decided what each paragraph was going to be about and then I just started writing/brainstorming and I'm at three pages. Sure, it's just a really rough rough-draft, but those are easy to edit. I think the problem most people make when it comes to essay writing is they sit down the first time hoping to knock out their final paper, but it usually doesn't happen that way. I feel like this is something I should have realized a long time ago, it would have saved me a lot of stress.

That's all for now, I have to get ready for my long drive. It would be really great to have a Voxtrot cd to listen to in my car, I really dig them lately, but I only have 2 of their songs on my iPod and they're getting a bit overplayed for my taste.

Don't really have a song of the moment, well.. I kind of do, but it's the song that I used in the last post. Whatever, we'll just go with that. You already know what it is though, just scroll down a bit.

Is it out of line if I were simply bold and said would you be mine?

Man, I suck. I really need to work on not getting overexcited about things. I just can't help it sometimes.. Is it better to be an romantic who is constantly disappointed, or a naysayer who expects nothing and therefore is never let down? I don't even know.

Song: Whistle for the Choir by the Fratellis

you don't know me, don't you question my love.

...well, I turned in my last two essays. I am officially done with the fall quarter.. Hopefully they're not crap. I wish I were a better writer. Here's a conversation I had earlier:

Andrea: I was supposed to write a 3-4 page paper, and It just reached 3 pages. Yes.

Corwin: I love finishing the minimum.

Andrea: I just love finishing.

Corwin: Nice.

And now.. I'd like to say I'm going to bed, but I'm still an insomniac. So that's highly unlikely, at least I can watch Conan O'Brian in peace without thinking that I should be doing homework. This is a really unorganized post.. I apologize.

Song: Berlin, Without Return by Voxtrot

he passed a note that read, "I'd love to meet you in your own bed."

Do you ever listen to a song a few times and think that it sounds kind of cute, whatever, and then you listen to the lyrics for real and realize that it's about a woman sleeping with a 12-year-old boy? Well, that totally just happened to me.

Song: Sack Lunch by My First Earthquake

right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you.

Great news, I don't have to work tonight! That means I can spend the whole night doing homework.. so here I am blogging. I am really making good progress on all the homework, and I will really be able to get down to business.. after I take another shower. Not going to lie, I absolutely love taking showers, especially in the winter time, because they're just so warm and relaxing. It's pretty much one of my favorite pass-times, so I end up showering twice a day most days.

I've been feeling the urge to party it up lately. I haven't had a drink since August 1st, Kindra's birthday party. Let me tell you, that was not a night I'd like to repeat. Next time I just have to tell myself that even though my drink tastes like raspberry sprite it does not exactly have the same effect and that when I have trouble walking straight, let alone standing up, I probably shouldn't stumble to the kitchen for a refill. Needless to say, I spent 4 hours with my head in the toilet.

Song: Honey and the Moon by Joseph Arthur

I will always be the outlaw for your love

I hate being an insomniac. I can't tell if the things I do at this hour are worth it or not. I mean, I just knocked out a whole essay, and I think it's good now but I just have this feeling that when I wake up in the morning and read over it that it will be total crap. For now, I'm in the mood to write though and that doesn't happen very often, so I'll just go with it. If I were smart, I would apply this inspiration to my next essay but right now I just need to think about something other than academics.

I am really looking forward to fall quarter being over, I'm so ready for some Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte. They've been calling to me from my shelf for weeks on end but I've had to politely tell them that I don't have time and I am sure it hurts us both. I'm coming Anne Elliot, Jane Eyre I miss you, Catherine Morland, Fanny Price.. just a few more days and we'll all be together again.

Okay, I can't avoid it any longer. One down, one to go. Wish me luck...

Song: Trepanation Party by Voxtrot

my heart melts to the sounds of strings.

Writing an essay. Well.. I'm supposed to be. Erika's going to be mad at me when she realizes that I'm blogging (AGAIN) instead of writing it. But it's difficult, people keep talking to me. Erika called about our trip to Portland, then I tried to get back to it and my mom kept asking me questions about it like, 'how are you getting around?' or 'are you going to do this or that?' and I'm, like 'I don't know mom. I'm trying to write an essay.' I will put my headphones on now and press on.

I've been doing some research. The best film school in the world are as follows: New York Film Academy, UCLA School of Theater and Film, Vancouver Film School, and London Film School. I think I will go to all of them. Not really, it's just so hard to choose! Vancouver might be a little too close to home, and I don't know about UCLA either. California is not really my scene. So that leaves London and New York, both of which are cities that I have always always wanted to visit.

I'm listening to the Nutcracker soundtrack, and this song absolutely captures me every time I heart it. It makes me desperate, thirsty, anxious, and unable to breath. I wish I could make something this beautiful.

Song: The Nutcracker, Op. 71: No. 14a Pas De Deux: Intrada by Tchaikovsky

After I have traveled so far, I set the fire to the third bar.

Due to misunderstandings, I was dropped from all my classes for winter quarter. That was scary. But it all worked out, I re-registered and there were still spots available so it all worked out okay. The payment timeline confused me, it said within 7 days or by the first day of the quarter.. I thought that the 7 days rule applied if you were registering after the quarter had started, my bad. Since I'm talking about my classes though, I'll tell you my schedule! I'm pretty excited about it.

Monday and Wednesday from 12:30-2:40 pm: Film in Literature

Monday and Wednesday from 3:00-5:10 pm: the Art of Cinematography and Lighting

ONLINE: Scripting for Film and Media

Cool, huh? I wish I could register for more classes and take some more math or something but there's a three class max. I suppose I could talk to the advisors about it but it's also more money I don't have to put towards a degree that doesn't need math.

Okay, I really really need to do homework today, so I'll catch you guys later.

Song of the Day: Set the Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol

I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

So work tonight was fine.. my body is hurting though. I feel like an old women, bad hips.. bad knees.. bad feet. Speaking of old women, I was on desk at work and this old women was leaving and I said, "Have a good night. And be careful out there, it's freezing cold and pretty slick." I thought she was going to cry, she was so thankful. Apparently she's had her hip, her knee and something else replaced because one time she she left a restaurant and she slipped and fell. I felt like I'd done my good deed for the day. Gold star?

I don't have a whole lot of time to post, my dad wants the computer back and I told him I was just going to check my e-mail/facebook and now I've been on for about 15 minutes.

Song: Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars

If you have just one, let me be that love. If you have lots of others, please let me be one.

Heard back from Will today! I'm pretty excited. I went to my inbox and got the same overjoyed feeling that I use to get 5 years ago when I saw a message from him. It's silly, I know. It's just nice to have someone out there who accepts you, flaws and all, and puts up with you. I don't know if he still will, I'm pretty annoying, but he use to. I like to think I've gotten a lot better since I was thirteen.. God I hope so. But then again, I went pretty crazy in the e-mailing department.. I may have gone a little overboard with the T.M.I.

My Papillion puppy, Jules, just jumped up on the couch with me, she's so cute. I think she likes me best because I let her sleep in bed with me. I should actually post a picture of her.

I'm so sorry, this post is turning lame. I am out of things to talk about for now. You'll probably hear from me later today.

Song: Crush on Everyone by Jonah Matranga

If it looks like it works and it feels like it works then it works.

Well, I didn't get fired. So that's good. I just had to listen to the general manager talk at me (I think he likes to hear himself talk because he repeats himself a lot, and rewords things so that he saying the same thing just differently) for about ten minutes about how we have these company policies in place for a reason and it is to run a successful restaurant.. yada yada. But anyway, I'm still employed.. thank God.

After work I got a nice surprise. My friend Nathan was waiting for me in the parking lot with pink sunflowers! I love having a gay friend.. Not that I would like him any less otherwise, but he's just so adorable and we can talk about boys we think are cute, and he brings me flowers and sends me texts telling me how beautiful I am. Anyway, I like him. He's fun.

I should go bed, but I just wanted to update.

Song: Wow by Snow Patrol

if I don't make it to the spring, may you catch the joy that a melody brings.

Good morning internet community! Well, I guess it's technically afternoon. But I'm still sitting on the couch in my pajamas, so it's morning. As much as I can't stand it, I'm doing what I always do.. avoiding my homework.. it's not like I can put it off much longer, I have so much to do and it has to be in and done by Tuesday. So basically.. I suck. I am also dreading going to work tonight, so I just have this ancy feeling in the pit of my stomach and that's just no fun. Coffee's helping a little, but I know that the only thing that will really sooth the feeling would be to just do the freaking assignments. You know what, I will! I'm going to get started right now, who says "old habit's die hard"? It's a excuse. It's like the quote "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I had a friend who said that to me once after I got dumped by someone I really liked. Needless to say, it didn't really help and when I mentioned that he said, "I know, I guess that quote is kind of silly, it doesn't seem right after you've just been dumped, but it does sometimes... actually, hardly ever. It's a crap quote."

My friend, Erika, started a blog too. We're embarking on a path into the Ethernet together. I know I said that I don't like it when people I actually know ready my blog, but she's sort of the exception to everything. I mean, it's not like there's going to be anything in here that she doesn't already know. Plus, it makes it more exciting knowing there's at least ONE person who reads this thing.

I am currently texting my oldest brother, helping him out with a crossword. Wind quartet member, 4 letters, _ _ o _. Can you guess it? I did. He also accused me of parking crooked which makes it hard for him to get out in the morning, I told him I'd straighten out my parking if he'd invite Bobby over more often, the cutest (in my opinion) of all my brother's friends. Apparently he has a crush on me, and that's a plus. He just laughed and said "Deal." It's on, baby.

Song of the Day: Pretty Girl from Annapolis by the Avett Brothers

this is the sound of settling.

Last post about Will. Turns out my old nerdy pen pal who had insecurity issues is now an Oxford braniac and a photography genius. Go figure. I almost don't feel good enough for him anymore; he goes to Oxford, I go to Community College. He's a math whiz AND a Photo God, and I just have artistic ambitions.. no real talent yet. This is all just surface information, it would be easier if I could actually talk to him but I almost wish I hadn't found him, I doubt he thought about me at all over the past few years. It's alright though, it's for the best. I mean, he lives in the United Kingdom.. that's not exactly in my neighborhood. Oh boy, if he ever reads this he's going to be totally weirded out.

On a different note, I might get fired tomorrow. That will be something to update you on later. I don't really have anyone specific in mind when I say "you" because as far as I know, no one reads this crap. Why would they? What happened was I was on call last night, meaning I was supposed to call at 4:00 to see if I was needed or not. However, I started doing homework at around 3:00 and when I finally looked up from my essay it was 4:44. Unacceptable. I called and the manager was mad, she said "this is the kind of thing that makes you subject for immediate termination. Come in 15 minutes before your next shift and talk to Joe, the general manager." This sucks. I really don't want to get fired. My mom said she wouldn't be mad at me though :) Because, you know.. that's mostly what I was worried about.

Record, 5 posts in one day. Though I consider the first two from last night, they just happen to be post midnight so they are considered Thursday. Whatever. I hope you don't get too used to such frequent updates, because chances are I will falter a lot when it comes to writing in this thing, but as far as I see it this blog is for my benefit. Not yours. So you can just enjoy it while it lasts, and if you desperately crave my daily updates then you can pester me about it over e-mail.

Song of the.. Hour: The Sound of Settling by the Postal Service

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

I think I've found him.

Me face the impossible? Bring it on.

after that the floodgates opened up and I fell in love with everyone I saw

Thinking about writing a letter to the vanished Will and reading it via youtube video. I know it's a long shot, but I'm hoping someone will see and maybe know who I'm talking about.. I know, it's pathetic. I had given up on finding him, but my friend Erika has a full forced optimism that I didn't see coming, nice thing about having a best friend; they believe in your impossible's. If that makes sense. She's coming over tonight to help me work on the letter. In the meantime, I'm sipping iced mint green tea and, well, blogging about my somewhat impossible quest. In all honesty, I don't know where this sudden burst came from. Something reminded me of him last week, and then last night I made this account and in doing so I stumbled across my old one with his name all over it. And now, here I am. I read some the e-mails I had from him in my inbox hoping I missed some big clue on how to find him or something, but to no avail. Instead it just heightened my curiosity of what he's up to now, if he ever got Jade after being so persistent, and if/when he realized that nerdy is cute and that stupid half italian girls who ignore him for not being sexy enough are just not worth the time of day, let alone heartache. He was the first person I adored, and that's why I want to find him.

Song of the Day: Spitting Games by Snow Patrol

long time no post

not really, I just needed to get something out there.

I doubt that I will ever find him again, but on my old blog I had only one frequent commenter. His name was Will, last name.. unknown. His blogger name was mrlemonjelly. He has disappeared, and his e-mail is disabled as well. If there is a higher power out there, it would be miraculous if I could find him again somehow.. he may have been an online pal, but he was a good solid one for quite a few years. Will, if you're out there.. My name is Andrea Brown, we used to talk about Jade, the girl you had a crush on. And I hope you're not dead.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Weird. I just created a new account only to remember after all was said and done that I already had one from a long time ago. It was weird, like reading an old diary. I was silly in middle school, and now I'm in college. I'm still silly though.. that hasn't changed. I like to think I'm not as immature as I use to be, but doesn't everyone? We'll see if I can keep this up. I've always been fond of blogging, and making online friends but when people you know start reading your blog then it's a little.. weird. I think that's why I dropped my last one.

Tomorrow I have school and it's almost finals. The end of the quarter is a little bittersweet.. I am glad to be done with most of my classes, but it will be a bummer to be done with drama. I am pretty fond of Brian, the teacher. He's pretty adorable, plus he felt bad so he gave me an extra week to do an assignment, and I didn't even ask him to. He just saw through me and decided it would be best. It's sort of humbling when people see through you, it reminds you that you're not as clever as you think you are at disguising your feelings.

My life has nothing interesting really going on; I'm single, I work at the Spaghetti Factory as a hostess, I like to watch movies all the time, and I read classic literature. It would be nice to be in a relationship. My best, and only, friend has had a boyfriend for quite some time and she does a good job at not neglecting me but I still know that he's the most important person in her life, and she his. It would be nice for someone to consider me the most important person in the world. Is it wrong to want to be adored? I don't think so.

Song of the Day: Fireflies by Owl City