I'll be there when your heart stops beating.

Going to go see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World today!!! I'm pretty stoked. I've been wanting to see it for a while.

If you ever find that your peace of mind

is shattered in so many ways

and you find your feet down on lonely street

I'll be still there waiting for you.

Those are lyrics to a song, and I soooo relate to that right now. Fuck fuck fuck. My head is telling me, "that's a terrible idea." But I beg to differ. Literally, beg. Like I want this to work out so bad because if it doesn't then that will be years of waiting gone to waste. Just waiting.

When You're Heart Stops Beating - Bling 182

love is so short, forgetting so long.

Sometimes I hate dreaming. There are dreams that are so perfect that reality becomes a huge black cloud over my head when I wake up in the morning. I've been reading way too much Pablo Neruda. My dream version of him was awfully poetic when he told me that he loved me, had loved me all along.

I'm still celebrating my birthday even though it's a week after the fact. I have two more parties to make it through then my life can go back to normal. This is going to be a long weekend.

Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines - Pablo Neruda

I heard them say love is the way, love is the answer that's what they say.

I'm turning 20 soon. I think that the night before I'm going to come up with a list of resolutions for myself; things I can't do now that I am no longer a teenager. I might feel like posting it, but it will mostly be for my own sanity so it's still up in the air. All I know is that I'm crazy and I don't want to be anymore.

Wavin' Flag - K'naan

the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.

Back to my daily routine of going to the gym every day. I find that when I don't commit to doing something every day I end up spinning around in circles and getting dizzy too fast. Stability. That's what I need. Even if it's that every day I wake up, drink a cup of coffee, watch Say Yes to the Dress from 11-12 and then go work out for an hour. Even that is helpful to my sanity.

While I was pumping away on the cycle machine I was listening to an episode of This American Life, #218 to be exact, and it pretty much blew my mind. A group of high security prison inmates putting on a production of Hamlet. I thought I knew that play, but this shook my perception just a little bit. The play is about a man who is contemplating the consequences of murdering someone, and now it's being read by people who are serving those consequences. They didn't need to chops of an actor to pierce my heart they way they did. I'm feeling a little bit humbled.

Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine

a poem for the day

The Numbers

By Kim Addonizio

How many nights have I lain here like this,

feverish with plans, with fears,

with the last sentence someone spoke

still trying to finish a conversation already over?

How many nights were wasted in not sleeping,

how many in sleep?

I don't know how many hungers there are,

how much radiance or salt,

how many times the world breaks apart,

disintegrates, and starts up again

in the course of an ordinary hour.

I don't know how God can bear seeing everything at once:

the falling bodies, the monuments and burnings,

the lovers pacing the floors of how many locked hearts.

I want to close my eyes and find a quiet field in fog,

a few sheep moving toward a fence.

I want to count them, I want them to end.

I don't want to wonder how may people

are sitting in restaurants about to close down,

which of them will wander the sidewalks all night

while the pies revolve in the refrigerated dark.

How many days are left of my life,

how much does it matter

if I manage to say one true thing about it?

How often have I tried, how often failed and fallen into depression?

The field is wet, each grassblade gleaming with it's own particularity,

even here, so that I can't help asking again,

the white sky filling with footprints,

bricks, with mutterings over rosaries,

with hands that pass over flames before covering the eyes.

I'm tired, I want to rest now.

I want to kiss the body of my lover, the one mouth

the simple name without a shadow. Let me go.

How many prayers are there tonight,

how many of us must stay awake and listen?