I didn't know I was pregnant!!

I don't even know what to think about this anymore. I'm just going to shut my mouth. Ziiiip.

I officially hate TLC. I Love the shows Say Yes to the Dress and What Not to Wear but oh my gosh.. there are so many bad shows on there and for some reason I have been watching them all night. The two best (and by that I mean worst) so far are Toddlers & Tiara's and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. T&T is about 3-5 year olds who's mothers have them highly involved in Beauty Pageants. The girls are just destroyed with vanity at a young age thinking that being pretty is the only way to win in this world. One girl's mother took her to go get her nails done, and then they went tanning. What kind of a 4 year old needs a fake tan!?!?!? I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant is pretty much exactly how it sounds, over dramatized stories about women who literally didn't know they were pregnant and then they have they're baby and they all think they're dying, but it turns out they're just having a baby. So weird.. I am glad I got all this off my chest, I may be able to fall asleep now.

I close my eyes, oh god I think I'm falling, out of the sky, I close my eyes.. heaven help me.

Crap. Things can go from good to bad.. instantly. The past few times I've woken up I've had "good morning" messages from him.. but today? Nothing. I want to say something. Something like, "Hey! we're perfect so please give me a chance." How do I say that with my actions instead of words if he wont see me again! I need to give it more time, but I want a whirlwind. Bring on the tornado of love..!

Like a Prayer - Madonna

lift me up I'm a weary soldier.

Today is much better than yesterday. Perhaps it's not easier said than done, perhaps I just had to let go of the negative energy that I was keeping bottled up inside of me.

I watched a movie last night called TiMers and I must say, I was not a fan. The acting was surprisingly good, and I even liked the concept of the film - everyone has the option to have a timer installed on to their wrists that counts down to the exact moment when they will meet their one true soulmate. But.. the ending lacked oomph. The whole time the main character is breaking out of her shell of obsessing over her timer and falling in love with this guy who doesn't have one, and then at the end of the movie.. her timer goes off and it's like, "Oh.. fuck the guy that I'm in love with, science says this other guy is my soulmate so I'll be with him instead." The end. It was anticlimactic.

Kingdom of Glass - Nick Drummond

words, words, words.

Why can't I learn to just sit back and let the chips fall where the may? Haven't I learned that arranging them myself never works out the way I plan and that I just end up making a fool of myself? Instead of chips falling it turns into shit hitting the fan, every single time. This time, I'm going to stop tampering with fate and let her run her own course. No more trying to choose, no more trying to control my fate. It's not my place anyway.

...

Why is that so much easier said than done? Why wont my brain stop spinning around in circles? Why do I jump whenever my phone goes off, and why does my heart sink every time it's not him? Which, let's be honest, is 90% of the time. This course of thinking is uncalled for because I have no justification other than my infatuation. What else is new? I seem to find my soul mate every month and each time I tell myself it's different and each time I end up embarrassing myself by going too far out on a limb or heartbroken. It's time I played a different game, because right now I have nothing going for me.

restless heart, sleep alone tonight. wheels go round and round you're on my mind.

What do you do when you meet 2 people who speak your language

Faithfully - Journey

me and the boys are playing and we just can't find a sound

I'm all over the place right now, it's annoying. Like my mind really wants to absorb anything it can. I know that's a great position to be in, but I don't think I'm going about it right. I'm reading Villette, Portrait of a Lady and Bridges of Madison County and watching all kinds of documentaries about science and the cosmic universe. We are all made of star stuff. Thinking about any of it doesn't make me feel any more secure in my own body though, I still don't know where I came from (not me specifically, but generally) and what happens after death. I'm just trying to be content not knowing until I'm dead, because that's what it comes down to.

With the books, I need to read just one at a time. My head doesn't like it when I force more on it that it can handle. However, Villette, is.. slightly depressing. To say the least. Lucy Snowe, while resourceful, is so very alone. Maybe it will get better, but I have a bad feeling about the ending.

Beth - KISS

art and science upside down looks like philosophy..

"Matter flows from place to place to place and momentarily comes together to be you."

-Richard Dawkins

Now that's a brain twister. My life is minuscule in comparison to the timeline of the the world, of the universe. My problems are belittled by the cosmos a trillion fold. I am trying to decide if that makes me feel better. My life is less than a mere blip in the existence of the ever-expanding universe! Holy shit.

a still more glorious dawn awaits, not a sunrise but a galaxy rise.

This just made me happy:

I think I'll try defying gravity.

I really wish I led an interesting life, because then I'd have something to write about. But I also wish I wasn't a whiner who sat around wishing for something to happen instead of going out and making it happen. Life doesn't happen to those who sit in front of computers, it happens to the go-getters. I just wish I knew what I wanted.

Defying Gravity - Wicked Soundtrack

I use to be your biggest fan..

Hello world.
Today hasn't been the best day in the world but not all days are I suppose. It would make the good days seem less good if there weren't bad days to compare them too. It was my official last day of my second job today which was nice, now I will have some time on my hands to breath on occasion. On the other hand, I might begin serving at Spaghetti Factory! I'm pretty excited about that, though I'm kind of nervous. It seems really stressfull to be a server, but I would rather take up extra hours at work and make more money that way than take up a second job the way I did.. that was too stressful to have two seperate codes to follow and such. Both business are way cool, I just chose Spaghetti Factory because I have company loyalty there and I just prefer the bustley environment to the laid back feeling of the mall store.

I'm watching SNL right now, and it's.. not that funny. Big shocker. It's not these days. Okay, I lied.. I'm laughing. Andy just sang this funny song and it made me giggle. But overall, not that funny.

I'm babbling.

I need to get back into my normal groove and watch some good movies. My life is all over the place right now, but luckily I have that to fall back on as soon as I have time. Maybe that's why I've been in such a funk these days.

Biggest Fan - Voxtrot

somehow everything's going to fall right into place.

Okay.. I just needed to get this off my chest before I went to bed. I know that the guy from the hookah bar was one of the worst kissers I've ever encountered, but I can't believe that he blew me off. I mean seriously.. ouch. Here I am trying to decide if I should give him another chance, and then when I try to have a conversation with him all I get are one word answers. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I don't even really like the guy, but it doesn't feel good to not be wanted. That's all.

Now that I've vented about it, I still don't feel better. Is it bad that I want to feel better about myself by hooking up with someone else? This could be a complex, but I don't want to deal with that right now.

OH! I heard from.. Jed. It was strange. I'll tell you about it later.

Hallelujah - Paramore

you stole my heart and I'm gonna steal yours too.

I've seen a lot of Hammock Guy this week now that he's my brothers new roommate. It's.. awesome? I can't decide how I feel about it. Whenever I see him my heart flip-flops, but it also sinks a little bit because I know it will never work out with him. Ho hum.

Last night I watched the first half of House of Sand and Fog. It was very good until I fell asleep, I may watch the rest tonight.

Tonight is burger night at the homestead. It's Tuesday which means that it's family night to all those who can make it and both my brothers are going to be there! I'm glad. I see Scott quite a bit but Keith is very elusive.. and he's leaving in about a week for Alaska and he'll pretty much be gone all summer. I'm happy for him because he's really excited about it but I'm also kind of sad, I never get to hang out with him and now he's taking off. Bah.

Stole My Heart - Little and Ashley